be sure to check out Joan's latest on her website:

be sure to check out Joan's latest on her website: (usually she updates her blog every Sunday evening but she can and will surprise you) **Special Note: all of Joan's archives are now up--almost ten years of 'bitter girl.' As Joan says, go wild!**

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Last Days of Equestria

I lied.  One more.

Rainbow Dash arrives at the castle in Canterlot to be greeted by Princess Luna. “Where is every pony?”

“Nice to see you too, Dash,” is Luna’s response. “They’re all busy. Things have changed since you’ve been away. How’s your leg, by the by?”

“It’s fine,” R.D. dismisses out of hand, still looking around. “Well, I need to talk to some pony.”

“What’s wrong with me?” Luna inquires. “What do you need to talk to some pony about? What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you were in Griffonland, helping Queen Fluttershy.”

“That’s just it—I was,” Dash confides in a lower voice. “You don’t know what she’s turned into. I can’t talk to her–I can’t even stand to look at her anymore. She’s hideous.”

“What do you mean?” Luna inquires for specifics with increasing trepidation.

Rainbow awkwardly gestures. “She’s wearing all this make-up and it looks really terrible on her and either she can see it or she can’t–I don’t know which is worse. She’s scaring every Griffon and she seems to enjoy it. It’s like she’s gone power mad. Some pony has to perform an intervention.”

Luna gestures as comprehension sets in. “I went through the same thing, for a little while, till Twi brought me around, so I know what you’re talking about. Come on–let’s go see Tia.”

But Princess Celestia is no help. “I can’t talk to her–she’s taken the listening device out of her ear. She thinks she knows better than me. Let her be that way if that’s what she wants.”

Dash and Luna exchange worried looks after Celestia vacates their presence in a royal huff. “This isn’t good,” Luna ruefully observes. “Come on–let’s go over to the main factory. See what Twi says.”

And Twilight Sparkle is similarly distracted. “Guys–I have my own problems,” she practically yells at them in her manager’s office. “We may have a strike on our hooves here. And I’m way behind in my reading. Spike is goofing off, as usual. You know who you need? Rarity is your answer–go find her.”

“Brilliant, Twi–thanks,” Luna interjects as she kisses Twilight goodbye. “We’re off to save Fluttershy.”

“From herself,” Dash adds. “Don’t wait up.”

So Rainbow Dash and Princess Luna cruise Rarity’s shop, to find her busy with some pony looking for a birthday party dress. “Guys–what do you want?”

Luna gestures. “Finish with your customer and we’ll explain.”

“So you want me to close my business to fly with both of you to Griffonland to talk Queen Fluttershy down from the ledge where she’s perched to jump from?” is Rarity’s speech to both of them once they explain the situation.

Dash’s face falls to pieces. “I don’t like things the way they are now. Remember when life was simpler, and if any pony had a problem, we all worked on it to help that pony out? What’s happen to the good old days?”

“They’ve been replaced by the bad new days,” Luna dejectedly replies. “Where every pony is being selfish and no pony wants to help another–looks like.”

Rarity dramatically sighs. “All right–enough guilt, you two. If you can pry Spike from Twilight’s evil grip, then I’ll go.”

Rainbow flashes her trademark grin. “It’s a deal.”

Once Luna and Dash fly Rarity to Griffonland, she approaches Fluttershy, alone. “Hi Rarity,” Shy greets her old friend from her throne.

“Hello Shy,” the marshmallow-white unicorn gingerly begins. “How do you like being Queen?”

“Oh, I love it,” is Shy’s prompt response. “I love giving orders and the food is simply divine. You should try it some time.”

“You know what I think would be good?” Rarity suggests. “A day at the spa–just you and me. How does that strike you?”

“Sounds like fun,” Shy agrees. “Let’s do it.”

So they spend a few hours lying around, taking bubble baths, listening to music, getting pedicures and massages. Finally Shy asks the obvious question. “Rarity, what are you doing here?”

Rarity opens her eyes and sits up to address this. “I came to see you, of course. I missed you.”

“You did?”

“Yes. We all miss you, Shy.” She waits a while before she continues. “Haven’t you missed us?”

“Sometimes,” Shy admits. “Sometimes I miss the way things used to be. How’s everything back in Ponyville?”

“Well, it’s changed. Nothing stays the same. What’s new in Griffonland?”

“This place is something else,” Shy intones in a conspiratorial whisper, still unconciously leaning forward, as Rarity is. “The Griffons are all so weird. They look at me so funny.”

“Well, maybe you do need to dial it back on the make-up,” Rarity offers, hoping to sound casual about it, finally relaxing and languorously sinking back into her mud bath. “Change your mane a little. I can help you with that.”

“O.K.,” Shy readily agrees. “That sounds like fun.”

Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie starts snooping around. “Where’s Rarity?”

Spike gestures to the most remote reaches of infinite space. “She went somewhere with Luna and Rainbow Dash–go ask them.”

“I think I will,” is Pinkie’s prompt response.

At the castle, Princess Celestia is equally vague and evasive. “Pinkamena Diane Pie–that’s none of your business,” the Princess scolds the pink Earth pony with such ferocity that makes Pinkie even more curious.

“Fine–then I’ll just go see for myself,” she decides in determination.

By the time she catches up with Shy and Rarity, the cat is pretty much out of the bag. “Pinkie, do you know what an orgasm is?”

Rarity tries to wave Shy off. “Queen Fluttershy–now is that any way for a monarch to talk?”

Shy in turn waves Rarity’s complaint away. “We’re among friends. And it’s just us girls. Friends can tell each other the truth, can’t they? Well, I can tell you that Miss Rarity here gives the most exquisite, delicious, entirely scrumptious orgasms in the entire known universe. Have you ever had one? You ought to try it sometime.”

Pinkie appraises Rarity for the veracity of this while Rarity is turning several shades of red in crimson contrast to her normally blanched complexion. “Well, fair is fair; what Shy does for me pales in comparison to any Earthly pleasures that I’ve heard tell about.”

“Oh sweetheart–you’re so modest,” Shy returns the compliment with.

“Actually, what I was wondering was how soon you’re coming back to Ponyville, Rarity,” Pinkie throws out rather than listen to this garbage go on for much longer. “To your business, for example?”

Rarity dismisses the idea out of hand. “Oh, I trust Spike to run the joint. Shy has asked me to hang around and I said, you know, I could get used to being the Queen’s consort.”

“Then I looked into her eyes,” Fluttershy continues in high drama. “And I told her that I loved her–that I’ve always loved her.”

“And that’s when she asked me to stay,” Rarity finishes for the other pegasus. “Forever and forever, world without end, Amen. So that’s what I’m going to do. Got a problem with that, Miss Pinkie Pie?”

“Nope–sounds good to me,” Pinkie brightly returns, random as always. “How about me–can I stay too?”

“Why not?” Shy asks the incorporate air around them while smiling broadly at the thought. “The more, the merrier.”

“Uh-oh,” Princess Celestia mutters to herself as she observes the scene from her castle tower. “This can only end badly.”

At the next pony staff meeting, Rarity and Pinkie Pie are conspicuous by their absence. “So what’s going on in Griffonland?” Twilight unfortunately inquires.

“All it is is debauchery,” Celestia explodes in anger from her position in the circle, the seared mental images playing back endlessly, over and over again and again in her head. “Morning noon and night, every single day; they never stop.”

“But you watch it,” Luna speaks up from her seat, leaving the unspoken ‘So why can’t we?’ part of that comment unsaid.

“Oh, do you want to go too, Luna?” Celestia snaps at her sister. “What about you, Twilight? How about it, Apple Jack? Carrot Top? Does every pony wish to visit? And participate?”

Twilight shrugs. “It might be a nice change of pace.”

“Dash is running the show,” Princess Celestia tersely explains, avoiding eye contact with any of the assembled ponies. “Leaving the other three free to indulge themselves.”

“What do you think?” Twilight dares ask Luna in front of every pony.

“Twi, maybe that’s not such a hot idea right now,” Luna demurs.

“O.K.–it was just a thought,” T.S. responds quickly enough. “Shall I start with the factory report?”

After the meeting, Twi asks Luna, “What’s up with Tia?”

“I think she’s hurt,” the Dark Princess confides. “I think she feels used and abandoned by Fluttershy, who’s being an ungrateful wench if you ask me.”

“Luna, Shy’s had a hard time,” Twi begins but is cut off by her paramour.

“Well who hasn’t?” Luna explodes at Twilight, much the same as her sister previously had. “Who’s led a charmed life? You? Me? Tia?”

Twi minimally shrugs in contrast to how worked up the other is becoming. “Tia has, yes.”

“Listen to me: Tia’s worked her whole life for the betterment of Equestria, and what has it gotten her?” Luna snaps back at Twilight. “Half of our senior staff is over in Griffonland, living it up. Bunch of ungrateful ponies, if you ask me. If my opinion counts in any way.”

“Of course it does honey,” Twi responds. “I still love you. I just miss my friends, that’s all.”

“I do too, but we can’t abandon Tia. Not right now,” Luna decides. “It would kill her.”

“All right,” Twilight readily agrees. “Then that’s the way it is.”

“Think we should cheer her up?” Luna throws out for discussion. “Or leave her alone.”

T.S. shrugs again. “She’s your sister–you know her better than I do.”

“Let’s check up on her,” the Princess of the Night suggests.

Luna knocks on the entrance to the viewing chamber. When there is no answer, she tries the door knob.

Twi waits out in the hall as Luna enters. When she exits a few seconds later, her eyes are wide as proverbial saucers.

“What happened?” Twilight asks as soon as they have removed themselves from the door area.

“Uh—she’s not upset,” the Dark Princess circumspectly advises her favorite sweetheart while rolling her eyes. “We don’t need to be concerned about her.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you saw?” T.S. incredulously inquires of the other.

Finally Luna meets Twi’s insistent gaze. “Um—how can I say this nicely? Queen Fluttershy has seen fit to put her earpiece back in place.”

“Why couldn’t you just say that?”

“Because they weren’t exactly talking—I mean they were but—good grief Twi; do I have to draw you a freaking picture?”

“Was it sexual?”

“What do you think?” Luna responds in exasperation. “Do you still want to visit?”

“Do you?” Twi counters. “After what you just saw?”

Luna doesn’t say anything but her eyes are even wider and sparkling and her smile is huge. “Desire and decision,” the Empress of the Night solemnly intones. “The two things that make a live world.”

“So is that a yes?”

“Let’s go,” Luna declares in absolute resolve. “Right now.”

A few weeks later, a tall woman with long straight red hair dressed in a grey business suit pays a call on the castle in Griffonland:

“Tia?” Luna alerts her sister. “There’s this woman out here who says her name is Lauren Faust and she wants to talk to you.”

“Send her in,” Celestia responds while she thinks, Here we go.

“Princess Celestia,” the woman begins once she is shown in. “I’m Lauren Faust and I’m sorry to bother you but I have a message from the network. I tried the castle first in Equestria and they told me you were here.”

“Yes?” the Princess prompts in total poker-face mode.

“This isn’t easy for me to say, so I’m just going to say it,” the visitor continues. “The network’s position is that you’re in breach of contract basically; this isn’t what we signed up for. The ponies have gotten way too graphic—this is entirely out of hand. You guys need to go back to the way things used to be or they’re going to pull the feed on you in one week.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Celestia lightly inquires after a while.

“To give you a chance,” Lauren harshly replies in contrast. “If you’re the Princess, then do something: issue a proclamation or however you want to handle it. The orgies and the group sex have got to go, at the very least. This is a show for little children—or it used to be, anyway.”

Celestia gestures. “All ponies have free will. And nothing stays the same.”

“You understand what this means, right? No more money from the network, or from merchandising?”

“Thank you for coming by, Miss Faust, and we appreciate your warning. I will discuss this with the others and see what they say, but I may as well tell you right now, do not be hopeful of a positive reply.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Lauren concludes, losing patience and bordering on anger. “I’m afraid you leave us no choice. Good day ma’am.”

“Well children,” Princess Celestia sadly draws up once their visitor departs. “I’m afraid it’s the end of the road for us. The good times are over.”

“Tia, how can you say that?” Luna incredulously inquires while every other pony sits in silence, trying to take the ramifications of this bombshell in. “We can tax the Griffons to pay for the occupation army here and plunder Griffonland’s resources to replace the money from the network. What was she talking about, merchandising? I was about to say something there. How can she stop us from running our factories? You can’t halt free trade.”

“Luna,” Celestia solemnly and reproachfully addresses her sister. “Is that really the kind of world you want to live in? Is that really how ponies treat their neighbors?”

“Absolutely,” the Dark Princess of the Night resolutely declares without hesitation or ambivalence. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and no dog’s going to eat me. You’re the one who wanted to take advantage of the Griffons' weaknesses to begin with.”

“I know,” Princess Celestia quickly replies with a knowing grin and a wink. “I was just joshing you all. Who needs the network and their money? Equestria has endured for over a thousand years; ponies will always triumph.”

“Boy, you really gave me a scare there,” Twilight relates in relief as she expresses all the other ponies’ general reaction.

“Just keeping you on your toes,” Celestia crisply replies. “So who’s ready to go back home?”

“I have to stay and help Fluttershy,” Rarity immediately informs the group.

“I understand,” the Princess of the Light responds and she does. “What about you though, Pinkie Pie? Think Trixie misses you back at the magic shop?”

Pinkie nods her head in acknowledgement. “I know she does, and I miss her and the store. I can pop in on Spike for you Rarity; check up on him. But I’ll be back to visit.”

“Sounds good,” Celestia affirms and she shifts to Luna and Twi. “How about you two?”

They nod in accord. “Home with you—and back to visit, yeah.”

“Tell Apple Jack it’s her turn next,” Rainbow Dash advises the departing crew.

“Will do,” Twi declares. “Love is in the air.”

“As well as the herd,” Luna offers. “Bye gang.”

“Bye—bye,” all acknowledge.

A few days later, Lauren Faust appears live on cable network television when the next episode of the program was to air:

“Hello to all the fans of ‘My Little Pony;’ I’m Lauren Faust, the developer of the show,” she begins. “Tonight’s episode will not be seen today; nor indeed any other day. I’m sorry to tell you that the series, which I love with all my heart, has been canceled. I wish there was something more I could say, other than I tried my best to keep this from happening but in the end, there was nothing I could do. To all those that will miss the show—just remember: as long as the characters live on in your heart, it’s exactly like when a loved one dies. He or she will always be with you. Take care.”

Dear Princess Celestia

Even though nothing is forever, some things will always be.  Everything old is new again.  But I'm not writing to preach wisdom at you; you already have enough of that.  Just wanted to say thank you again, for all you've done and all you've given us.  I know sometimes we may seem ungrateful but we're not.  We're just ponies after all and ponies just want to have fun.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

“General Discord,” R.D. addresses the General in greeting.

“What is it, Rainbow Dash?” Discord snaps. “I’m very very busy.”

“I can see that sir,” Dash affably responds. “What with your maps and toy soldiers and whatnot; looks like you have a whole campaign going on there.”

“You have no idea,” Discord sneers in utter contempt. “The evil plans that I have laid. Well what is it? I don’t have all day.”

“The Queen Fluttershy commands you to crush the revolt of the Griffons,” Rainbow instructs the other. “There is a charismatic young leader among the Griffons, who thinks he can lead his followers to glorious rebellion and unseat the occupying Pony Army. Well, you have to stop him.”

“What are you talking about?” Discord roars in insolent rage. “What revolt? What rebellion? Where is your evidence of all this?”

“The Queen says it’s inevitable,” R.D. tosses off. “It’s just a matter of time. There’s always the unexpected, so you may as well get busy now.”

“Advise Her Majesty that I’m all over it,” Discord announces to the room. “Tell her that I’ll ferret out this rascal, whose head is so full of this nonsense and show him who’s boss. Now be gone–before I make an example out of you.”

“As you wish, sir,” Rainbow Dash dispatches before she turns to walk out of the room. “Have a nice day.”

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