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be sure to check out Joan's latest on her website: (usually she updates her blog every Sunday evening but she can and will surprise you) **Special Note: all of Joan's archives are now up--almost ten years of 'bitter girl.' As Joan says, go wild!**

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Equestria's Gone; The Saga Ends

“Hi Shy,” Twilight Sparkle greets her friend the Queen after dodging the usual gatekeepers of the Griffon royal castle.
“Hi Twi,” Queen Fluttershy, Monarch of the Griffons, returns the salutation in suitably regal but quiet form. “Heard some funny rumors about you just recently and now you turn up here.”
For an answer, Twilight glances over to Shy’s attendant, Carrot Top, who gets the hint and motions for the guards to vacate the royal chamber. Once alone, T.S. inquires, “What did you hear?”
 “That you and Celestia had a falling out,” F.S. flatly details.
Twilight sadly nods as she recalls the scene from yesterday at the Senior Pony meeting in Canterlot, when the Princess had dropped her bombshell. “She caved into the network; only hetero couples from now on. Luna was furious.”
“So you talked to her?” Shy follows up. “Luna, I mean.”
Twi nods again. “Earlier this morning, after she finished with the moon and all. She’s ready to pack it all in–leave forever.”
“So this is goodbye,” the Queen enunciates with care as the light dawns in her royal gaze.
“Shy, things have changed so much,” Twi announces with a rush of emotion, blushing as she earnestly spills her guts to her old friend. “Since Luna and I got involved. And all this happened. Sometimes I think back to the days when all of us still lived in Ponyville and I was in such a hurry to grow up, to be done with school and homework and have everypony treat me like an adult. And now Luna wants to leave for all the wrong reasons, because she can’t stand the thought of being without me. But I just can’t stay; not with the way Tia treated me.”
Shy looks into her friend’s eyes to see the honest pain that recent events have caused Twi and finds it reflected in her own feelings. “I know how you mean,” F.S. sadly confesses in return, reverting to poor grammar on purpose. “I think about the old days too, and how simple, little things used to make me so happy; you know, the animals, the birds, the butterflies and the trees. Now, all these backroom deals with nefarious characters, just to stay in power, Discord being the least of them, and all the deceit and chicanery and sleaze has made me so sick of it all, and myself.. Sometimes I just want out also.”
Twilight comes out of her self-pity enough to realize she’s not the only pony with problems. “What about Rarity, though? Doesn’t she help?”
Shy shakes her head with such ferocity that Twi sees the truth even before the other explains, “All Rarity thinks about is herself,” the Queen spits out the words with uncharacteristic venom. “And her position as Royal Consort; as you said of Luna–all the wrong reasons.”
“Shy, I never realized,” Twi slowly responds and she watches Fluttershy’s crying escalate into full-scale weeping. “How unhappy you were.”
“You’re the one who talked me into all this,” Shy lashes back at Twilight through her tears. “You’re the one who said all of Equestria depends on me marrying Discord.”
“Oh Shy,” T.S. guiltily replies before she realizes her own waterworks have started. “I’m so sorry you took it that way.”
After they share a good cry, in each other’s arms, Twilight eventually asks, “What can I do to make it up to you?”
Fluttershy waits before she pronounces with care, “Take me with you.”
Twi backs off from Shy to meet her eyes. “And ditch Luna?” she incredulously demands.
F.S. nods as she sniffs while wiping away the last of her tears. “Uh-huh,” she simply confirms. “But only if you love me. If you don’t–care for me, the same way I care for you, then say goodbye and walk out that door and–and leave with Luna and that’ll be that.”
Twilight blinks again in disbelief; she’s never imagined Shy able to say anything like this, much less actually pull it off with such steely resolve. “So you want me to chose–right here and right now?”
“Uh-huh,” Fluttershy quietly repeats, returning Twi’s stunned incredulous gaze with equal determination. “Right here and right now.”
A few hours later, Twi meets Luna at their predetermined rendezvous. “All set?” the Dark Princess inquires of her paramour.
“Yup,” T.S. tersely confirms, ready as always with her own steely resolve. “Too much drama around here; we definitely need a break.”
“So where are we off to this time, Mister Peabody?” Luna cracks.
“Ancient Rome, Sherman,” Twi responds in kind. “I want to try out my Latin, so let me do all the talking.”
“Say no more,” is Luna’s pithy rejoinder. “Lead the way.”
Once back in Rome, during one of the good eras, Twi and Luna cause enough of a stir among the locals because of their stunning good looks for one of the Senators to take an interest in them. One night he has them over for dinner and before things get sticky, they extricate themselves via their magic back to Ponyville; however, what they find isn’t what they expect.
“Where is everything?” Luna incredulously asks Twilight and all the ambient air around them as both survey what appears to be the Everfree Forest, overgrown and unchecked where Ponyville, Sweet Apple Acres and all the other vestiges of the past were which are no longer present.
“I think we blew it this time, Luna,” Twilight ventures when no other answers are forthcoming. “I think we really outdid ourselves.”
Twi swallows hard, not wanting to explain but seeing she must. “Well, remember when we were making small talk with the Senator before dinner? I was telling him all about bonds and he seemed to really eat that up.”  
“How does that translate to no more Equestria?”
“Well, before we changed all human history and our own just now, bonds weren’t thought up until the Thirteen Hundreds, in Italy. That’s why Rome collapsed. Also I told him about the lead poisoning with the wine and all; and I guess I also explained how to make soap. So Rome never fell, Europe never went through the Dark Ages, the New World was never colonized because the Romans built the Suez Canal a thousand years sooner than it was otherwise dug, there never was a country called America where a lady named Lauren Faust could develop some dumb idea about talking horses into a cartoon series called “My Little Pony,” Missus Saltzmann’s granddaughter was never born because her family never moved out of Germany or if she was, she remained autistic because there wasn't a show called "My Little Pony" to snap her out of it, space travel never did develop, and because Mankind never did make it off this rock, the moon escaped Earth's gravity eventually because it had been moving five feet away every century on its own and–”
“Twi, stop!” Luna exclaims in full horror as the sheer weight of the situation slams into her harder than Big Mac ever would have had he gotten half a chance on his best day. “Enough freaking backstory! There’s got to be some way to undo this; some way to fix all this!”
“Luna, there’s no more magic,” Twilight Sparkle sadly but honestly tells her favorite Dark Princess. “There’s no more anything; no television, no nothing. We’re totally alone here, stuck in this form forever. Until our last dying day.”
“Is there anything to eat?" Luna inquires after some time passes.
“Well, if there isn’t, you and I can’t survive much longer,” Twi succinctly sums up.
As they forage for anything, Luna ventures in recrimination at one point, “Guess we really outsmarted ourselves this time, huh?”
“We made the same mistake the humans did,” Twi quietly admits. “And now we’re stuck here, as humans. How ironic.”
“It’s getting late,” Luna observes. “Maybe we should think about maybe making a fire and building a camp.”
“Luna,” Twi begins a little later after the campfire idea falls flat. “Did you notice how quickly night fell?”
“And there’s no moon, either; you were right,” Luna in her turn ventures, while gazing heavenward, in a voice just above the crickets and other insects that come audibly alive only after sunset. “Only stars.”
“So wait a minute; I remember something in the humans' history about them speculating about what would happen to the Earth if there's no moon any more,” Twi rambles on by the neighboring brambles of the brush in the breezy but temperate evening air. “Then nights will last only two hours, because the Earth’s spinning so fast, without the drag of an oversized satellite.”
“Guess we’ll find out for sure soon,” Luna speculates in the dark after wearying of watching the stars transverse the night's shadows.
Indeed, sunrise is unusually fast and dramatic; the sun seems to be literally racing across the blue windswept sky.
“Luna, I don’t think we can survive in this world,” Twi quietly explains to her last long love. "And I don't think anypony else could either; maybe that's why it's deserted."
“What do you want to do then?” Luna in turn and in kind responds.
“Go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare,” Twilight admits in a small shaky voice with tears in her eyes.
“There’s got to be a way out,” Luna stubbornly insists. “There has to be something we can do!"
“Hold me in your arms and never let me go,” Twi quietly suggests in the other’s ear.
“Until the end of time, my sweetness,” Luna whispers back.
A few hours later, they both awake. “Well, we’re still here,” Twi sardonically announces. “Any more bright ideas?”
“How do you feel about fishing?”
“What's your position on hunting?”
“It beats starving, in my book. But where is there to fish?”
“What is there to hunt?”
“Is there anything to eat?”
“Even if we find fruits and nuts, we need protein to survive in the long run.”
“So where do we find protein, other than each other?”
“Or ourselves?”
“If there are insects, there must be animals.”
“You would think.”
“Let’s find the ocean.”
“Or die trying.”
So they slog through forest and trees, scuttling sunshine and ferocious thunderstorms, fleeing the scene of their heinously unimaginable but technically uncommitted crimes, toward where they remember the blessed shore to be. Finally they arrive.
“I’ve never been so happy to see the beach!” Twi exclaims to her paramour as she points out tantalizingly ripe coconuts on swaying palm trees.
“Me neither!” Luna wholeheartedly agrees. “Want to go for a swim?”
“Let’s!” Twi concurs as she very nearly rips off her worn, torn and soiled clothes in her newly found zest.
After they swim around and again make wildly unrestrained passionate love in the churning foaming surf, Twi remarks to Luna, while still in each other’s arms, “I guess we can always drown ourselves, if we can’t find anything else to eat other than coconuts.”
“Yeah,” the erstwhile Dark Princess of the Night softly sighs in weary resignation to their ordained collective fate. “That sounds like some kind of a plan.”
“Hey, let’s go for a walk along the beach; maybe we can find something that washed up.”
“Yeah, let’s.”
So they stroll along the moonless starlit shore for hours and hours, hand in hand, all alone, each totally nude, neither saying much, other than ‘I love you’ while dawn majestically breaks, giving way to the bright but rapidly shifting sunshine, as if time itself has been sped up. Suddenly, even as the sun is setting along the blazing horizon where the water meets the sky, they spy a house, all by itself, unlocked and with no occupants.
“This is too cool!” Twi exclaims in the kitchen while discovering cooking pots and means for controlled heat in the sepia afterglow of the joyous day.
“So now all we need is something to eat, right?” Luna yells herself in triumph, after finding with flashlights fishing gear, poles and rods and reels and nets.
“Yeah!” her paramour exclaims in shared enthusiasm. “Let’s go fishing!”
So they dig little sand crabs out of the beach near where the water washes up and they hook up some rods and reels; meanwhile, they also come across some dive masks, spear guns and snorkeling equipment and pretty soon, lobsters are on the menu.
“So where are the people who built this house?” Luna asks Twilight one sultry evening over candlelit dinner while the beginning of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony Fourth Movement plays in the background.
“I don’t know,” Twi admits in between bites of exceedingly delicious fresh Yukon Gold potatoes and baby carrots, flecked with bits of flat leaf Italian parsley in a buttery onion-rich chardonnay reduction cream sauce. “If they come back and find us here, they might not be too happy. Unless they just happen to be two ultra mega sexy guys and we get to repopulate the human race.”
“Maybe we should clean up the place, as much as we can,” Luna pleasantly responds, pointedly ignoring what she considers Twi's last rude colloquy as well as her paramour spraying food all over the crisply ironed white linen tablecloth in her unbridled mirth and youthful exuberance.
Twi nods even as she hastily attempts to quickly tidy her minor mess and salvage what little remains of her personal dignity. “That could be a good idea,” she agrees while blushing in embarrassment.
But as the weeks and months go by, no owners, sexy or otherwise, return to kick them out, knock them up or anything else. “Why would somepony just abandon a really cool place like this?” Luna asks one day of Twi while tending their gateless garden.
“Maybe they found something better,” her paramour blithely speculates while carefully watering some sprouts.
“What could be better than this?” Luna pointedly inquires while wearing really tight white short shorts and the briefest imaginable bikini top.
“I don’t know,” Twilight Sparkle casually repeats in the bright and happy sunlight, the shuttling sun causing highlights in her hair to pop and fizz as the warm salty ocean breeze casually tousles her windswept curls. “It is the eternal question.”


  1. If it weren't the lack of the Moon, the fast diurnal period would make me think they landed on the Minecraft world.

    Re.: the Moon. The current theory (as far as I recall) is that the Moon's orbit will oscilate in and out for a few hundred thousand years before it finally comes inside Earth's Roche Limit and is torn apart, creating a very dramatic ring system. That may have changed though; hypothetical astrophysics tends to.

  2. I'll have to trust you on Minecraft; I'm not familiar with it. My source for the moon theory was a documentary I'd seen some time back, probably on the internet; specifics elude me. But even if the moon does degenerate as you suggest, at the very least tides as we know them would disappear, to be replaced with I don't know what. However, thanks for reading.